First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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