So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
