I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
