ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
