his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
