my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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