No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...