david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?