DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
