cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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