Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
My day in three words: secret purse cake
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
