he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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