hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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