I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
A+ Viking dick
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