I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
