Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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