he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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