remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
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two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
You made out with two different species that night
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He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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