dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize
