After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
