I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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