idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
