eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
