How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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