Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
