my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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