So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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