she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
