Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
