I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
