no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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