All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
