I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
