Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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