is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
