just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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