im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
