I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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