Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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