Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
