party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
