My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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