why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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