Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize