Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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