i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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