I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
did i just pee glitter
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
