also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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