Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
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Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
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thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize