I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
