Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Randomize
