Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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