So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
