We're like a lot better than the average bears
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
