I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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