I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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