I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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