My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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