Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
