Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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