Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
