i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
