Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
