Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
